you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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