She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
