You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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