Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You ruined the universe
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
