the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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