Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
