thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
