Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
