Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm at about main and main street
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
