Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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