I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
