Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I need to calm my uterus...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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