worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
