You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
