The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
