Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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