Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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