shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
