I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
