He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
