Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
