y did u give ur computer a hand job?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
