I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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