So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
