my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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