He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
