Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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