last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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