She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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