Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
