I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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