I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
