If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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