She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
