Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
