I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
