Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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