I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
