the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
