I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
