you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
