I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
