wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
