piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Do vagina's smell?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
