I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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