i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize