my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
