Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
