Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
