Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
