i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
