Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
