I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
