In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
