I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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