So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
